Thursday, April 16, 2009

obstacles of the mind

So this blog im about to write is well certifying that I am infact a duality.. of thought and emotion..
A month ago It was as though I inhaled this magical whiff of air that lifted me up from the heavy gravitational pull of reality.. My feet are hinged to the ground now.. searching for that lil scent of magic, but cannot seem to find it.
Things have been slow this month, maybe due to my emotional outbreaks that I am convinced define me as an artist, its in my dysfunctionality that I can move along on the quest of something so irrational and undefinable..
I havent danced in a while , and am feeling a loss of inspiration... not sure why this happened.. and even if i think i know the reason.. it may be too personal to share.
Ive been eternally caught up in the nature of motivation... in understanding this concept, looking at it from outside myself, tryin to analyse and recognise it..
What motivates me to continue dancing? How long will this motivation last? Is this motivation a real one or one created to sustain my ego?
Then I stop and think to myself... does it even matter what my motivations are?
At one point, I was motivated to prove something to somebody close to me, that I was important and special, that I could be someone..
Now I dont feel the need to prove anything, so what is motivating me to go on chasing something I cannot even describe to myself.. let alone articulate.
I wanted to be better than what it is I am.. but now I realise that the scale of bein better can only be defined by me.. and I needed a break from wanting to be better.. for a while i wanted to dwell in being ok with the way I am....

I booked my ticket to Nyc.. I dont know if I am ready to take part in the contest or whether I ever will be..
I just know I want to go to a place where I can experience being different, and find myself again.
The person I have seemed to lose touch with..
I have plans, but I am slowly realising that if i just be myself , life will bring to me whatever it is i need to learn...
so for the time being, i am not stressing abt being better.. im just concerned with being myself :)

1 comment:

diggit03 said...

Do you teach b-boy stuff in your classes? How big are your classes? Why aren't you motivated anymore? How did you become a choreographer?